Once in a blue moon, when I'm folding laundry, I sigh my grandmother’s sigh.
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Self-pity rides through my cells — like a raft of storm clouds.

A mood that was modeled so exquisitely for many years.

It's the sigh of a brilliant young artist who got a full ride to Parsons School of Design. Then fell in love with a famous Italian piano player. And left New York to have nine babies, instead of nurturing her gifts.
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It’s the sigh of another younger artist, my mom, who never painted.

“I always wanted to be a mother.” Like a religion, she says this.

“You are everything to me.”
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Sometimes I wonder if that was for the best.

Her love was my bedrock.

Would it have set me free...

if she was in love with her life?

Bent over a pile of shirts and undies, twisted together.

I catch myself holding the unsatisfied desires of the women who came before me.

As if that’s what it means to be a good woman.

The energy of self-abandonment.

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It's not my story.

I sigh their sigh out. For good.

~

And I remember.

My chaotic, uncontainable wildness matters. Its own kind of prayer.

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Each one of us can wake up...

and unfurl from the molds that were handed down.

The best kind of bad fit.

We move at the pace of free-flowing inspiration rushing through.

Hang on for dear life and then let go — to where it takes us.

~

Now a hummingbird flies by (no joke). Or a moth.

I Google the meaning. One of my favorite rituals.

This. This is me.

~

I wish I could tell my grandmother what it means to see a moth on your window pane.

Allow yourself to be reborn.

I can undo the “good woman” stories passed through the generations.

I ask the Universe to help me catch myself, unaware, in the scaffolding I didn't construct.

To help me keep writing my own stories of freedom and bone-deep satisfaction.

For the ones who’ll come after me.

**

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So here's a question: Do you ever find yourself in a mood that doesn't feel like you?

Whose story is it anyway?

With love,

C​

P.S. I will be sharing a very special, limited availability private coaching offer in an upcoming email. If you're already curious, reply now and book yourself in for a call with me to explore how I can support you in this way in 2023.
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